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The Model Hero - My first fanfic in....over a year?

Started by thalaw2, May 29, 2008, 07:57:30 PM

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thalaw2

Author's note:  I managed to find about 80 minutes a week to write and came up with this.  I finished it weeks ago but felt nervous about sharing it since it's been so long since i last wrote a story...well no more!  It's time to unleash it on the world and expose  myself to you all, should you dare to read it.  Hope you enjoy this part....more entries to come.


The Model Hero:

Fate is strange funny.  You are never quite sure if it is written in the stars that light up the heavens or if it is manmade sky scrapers scattered throughout this city.  If it turns out to be the latter, then someday somehow someone will discover someway to sell it to people as a monthly subscription, like selling airtime.  Should you fail to pay the penalties could be horrendous.  Or maybe you could even pay a lifetime fee or subscribe to the platinum service; it is so good that it pays for itself or in order to get it you would had have had to already had it. It seems that is precisely what happened to me.  This is the story of how my platinum service to fate kicked in.

It all started simply enough.  I was waiting for the subway after another long day of job hunting.  I think I had been to three interviews that day and didn't feel any closer to landing a respectable job that related to my major.  The story was always the same "We are looking for someone with more experience," of course you can not gain experience until you have experience and being fresh out of college I had no experience, only dreams that seemed to fade more with each round of rejection.  At least I was becoming good at interviewing for a position.  I wondered if there was such a job as interviewee.  That afternoon in the Hong Kou station subway terminal, the thought was more interesting than the accounting jobs I was aiming for.  More than once the interviewer commented about how handsome I looked in my suit and tie, I guess I was just not good looking enough to work in their offices.  But people do treat you better when you wear a nice suit. 

I received a lot smiles and nods from strangers and when I went in to a store or other place of business the service was much better than when I would wear my casual clothes.  I felt important in my suit of blue it was like armor that covered a flaw in my character, perhaps personal insecurity.  And as I looked around I realized that there were many of us wearing armor that day looking just as important as me or more so in the case of the man with the gold cufflinks talking on his expensive cell phone.  However, I imagined that just like me he too was retreating home after a day in the corporate melee of the unemployed.

No large crowds were gathered there that day, but it's never very full on days when nothing is happening at the stadium or during times between morning and afternoon rush hour.  The train was approaching.  I could tell by the usual signs.  First the gust of wind, very welcome in the humid tunnel, then the movement of my fellow commuters and I as we jostled for positions –I do not know why we always act as if space is limited and we will be left behind—then came the sound of the train. 

We're supposed to let those getting off the train exit first then those boarding can get on but no one ever seems to pay attention to that, the common practice is to push your way on while the other side pushes their way out. Just as the doors slid open and the boarding ritual was getting started I heard a woman inside the car I was pushing into say that her hand bag had been stolen.  I looked around and saw a man leaving from the other door of the car trying to conceal a lady's handbag beneath his jacket, just under his arm.  What happened next was fate.

I can not say why I did what I did that day.  It could have been for a number of reasons.  For example if I thought the lady was pretty and that she would become my girlfriend.  That would have kept my parents from nagging me to find a girl and get married.  Maybe I was angry that I had been interviewing for jobs all day trying to earn an honest living while some low life had decided he could take the easy route and prey on innocent people.  Or maybe I was just bored   Whatever the reason, I opened my mouth and said "Hey, stop!  Thief!"  Then I pointed at him and shouted again "Thief!" then I started chasing him and it became like an out of body experience.  He got a surprised look on his face and took off towards the stairs leading to the streets above but the crowds moving up and down were too slow so he tried to turn around and choose another path, however I was upon him by then.  I hit him in the gut with my briefcase and the handbag came crashing to the ground without spilling its contents, then I grabbed one of his arms and shouted for the police.  People around us started starring and we became the center of attention.  The man struggled like a fish on a fishing line to get away, his face filled with panic.  Then the police came and took control of the situation.  I had to accompany them to the metro police station upstairs.  In spite of what happened I couldn't help thinking that I had missed my train.

I am sure that many other people saw that man put the handbag under his coat and, as normal, did not give taking action a second thought.  That's the problem with the big city, the apathy.  It evolved into a modern tradition that some believed to be a part of culture not just in Shanghai, but in the whole of China of not getting involved in others affairs as it would cause unnecessary problems in your own life, like having to explain every detail of what happened to the police, missing your train home and having to deal with the rush hour crowds, not getting a seat and having to stand up for nearly an hour, arriving too late to finish some business at the post office, having to wait in a long queue to get your dinner (because you can not cook), and missing your favorite football team's match on TV.  For what it is I am glad the thief did not have a knife or other weapon.  Was it worth the risk?  One girl gets back her handbag, a cheap knock off, a bit of money, a cell phone and other personal effects and the hero, in spite of his brave actions, did not even get a thank you for his trouble.  He would have to hope that karma or his god would smile upon him in the future or the afterlife.  I'm glad I did not have to wait until death to get my reward.  That turned out to be the greatest day of my life.

Previsionary

Hey Thalaw, it's nice to have a new fanfic enter this area since it's so rarely used. I won't go super detailed with my thoughts, nor will I break it apart like an editor, and just give you my general opinion unless you want me to go more in depth later on.

I noticed you had quite a few grammatical errors going on especially with our dear friend, the comma. Besides that, there's a few sentences in the story that gave me a bit of difficulty and I think they could use a bit of rewrite magic just to make it flow better.

Overall, I thought it was an interesting opening to a story that's yet to come. You started with an event a lot of people can connect with (crowded areas and robberies) and I think that's a good way to establish an initial connection with the audience. Now, if only I knew his name! :P