Paranoia: My Name is Troubleshooter

[BlueBard]

"Maybe we can negotiate with the laser cannons to get the toolbot past?" Spyd-R suggests.

"Or maybe if we get in close enough, one of us can just disable them," Blo-R says in a whisper.

"Um, guys?" Numb-R says.  "I think I hear something headed this way."

Spyd-R's eyes widen.  "I think we'd better get through this corridor ASAP."

[Viking]

ArrMatee does a quick assessment of how heavy the toolbot looks, and whether someone could conceivably push it a few meters along the floor while crouching.

Meanwhile, he gestures for his team to enter the corridor, approaching the wall that has been created with the Porta-Wall.

[BlueBard]

The team follows your lead, scuttling across the floor on their bellies toward the deployed Porta-Wall.

The toolbot is heavy (all those integrated tools).  But perhaps there's a way to lighten the load a bit? 

technical hint:
[spoiler]The toolbot's housing is standard plastic.  The heaviest components are the integrated tools, the battery,  and the servomotors responsible for driving the wheels.  The bot brain is located in the head, along with the sensors and vox.  The battery is in the torso, along with some of the integrated tools.  As a serviceable unit, the battery is easily removable.  The base of the toolbot is where all of the heavy servomotors are located, as well as a few of the heavier tools and gizmos.  And that's all I'm sayin'.[/spoiler]

Meanwhile, you begin to distinctly hear the sound of voices shouting, along with the occasional punctuation of laser fire.

And of course, the laser cannons continue their discussion...

[BlueBard]

"I don't see why you've got to be so mad at me, Dee," says Cannon Dum.

You hear the electronic equivalent of a sigh.

"I'm not mad at you.  I'm not programmed for that emotion.  Besides, we're a team, right?"

[Viking]

ArrMatee quietly addresses the toolbot.

"We need to remove your base with the servomotors, so that we can push you under the laser fire.  Otherwise, you'd probably get destroyed, and we really don't want that."

[BlueBard]

ArrMatee quietly addresses the toolbot.

"We need to remove your base with the servomotors, so that we can push you under the laser fire.  Otherwise, you'd probably get destroyed, and we really don't want that."

"Not destroyed?  I vould agree vit dat!" the toolbot offers enthusiastically.

Meanwhile the cannons continue talking.

"Yeah, I guess we are partners," Cannon Dum replies.

"Good.  Now help me do the job we were programmed to do, okay?" pleads Cannon Dee.

[Viking]

ArrMatee starts doing whatever he can to disengage the toolbot's torso from the base.

"If you can do anything to speed this along, that would be great," he notes to the toolbot.

The moment the toolbot's torso gets separated from the base, and is ready to be pushed, ArrMatee will give the command to "Fold!"

At which point, hopefully the whole Troubleshooting team will start scooting forward, along with the Orange techie and toolbot in tow...

[BlueBard]

You pull tools out of your belt pouch and approach the toolbot.

Surprisingly, it scoots backward away from you.  You reach out again and it backs away again.

"So sorry," it apologizes.  "Third Law, you know."

The sounds of an approaching free-fire zone draw nearer...


Technical Sidebar: The Five Laws of Robotics (annotated)
[spoiler]The Laws of Robotics (mostly) hold sway over bots in Beta Complex.  They aren't the traditional Three Laws that the Asimovians are used to, though.

First Law: A robot may not knowingly cause harm to The Computer, or allow The Computer to be harmed through sabotage or negligence.

Second Law: A robot must obey The Computer, except where such orders directly conflict with the First Law.

Third Law: A robot must act to protect Beta Complex from harm, except where such action would conflict with the First or Second Law.  The definition of Beta Complex is inclusive of all property, systems, robots, and Citizens.  Due to the Fifth Law (see below) humans have a marginally higher value than other parts of Beta Complex, most of the time.  The definition of harm is programmed on a per-unit basis; some robots give equal weight to all forms of harm while others are able to distinguish types and degrees of harm.  Some robots have only a restricted ability to discern harmful outcomes (they may or may not recognize a given circumstance as potentially harmful).  The Fourth and Fifth Laws may also be factors in calculating what outcome is most harmful.

Third Law modified by Sentience:  A sentient robot will naturally to consider itself more important than non-sentient parts of Beta Complex and act to protect itself from harm accordingly.  Certain advanced robots with unstable positronic pathing may consider themselves more important than other sentients and behave accordingly.  This is what is sometimes referred to as a 'Frankenstein Complex' exhibited in certain robots.

Fourth Law: A robot must fulfill its' primary function, except where such action would conflict with the First or Second Laws.  A robot's primary function is determined by both design and by specific programming.  The Fourth Law may supercede the Third Law only when the psychomathematical potentials exceed 59%.  (The psychomathematical potential is the index value of all situational computations.  Which basically means the robot is supposed to take all known factors into consideration when making a logical decision to follow or not to follow the Fourth Law.  Under normal circumstances it will not deviate from this Law.  It generally prevents random Citizens from ordering a robot to do something it wasn't designed to do, like making a scrubbot pilot a hovertank or making a combat droid plant a garden.)

Fifth Law: A robot must follow the verbal directives of authorized humans, except where such obedience would conflict with either the First or Second Laws.  Furthermore, such directives may not conflict with the Third or Fourth Laws except as noted in subsections point one(a) through point 7,897(d).  This Law generally prevents random Citizens from ordering a robot to destroy itself, while allowing designated operators to order a combat droid to engage in its' intended function, for example.

Unlike an Asimovian robot, Beta robots are subject to varying degrees of re-programming to circumvent, modify, or nullify the Five Laws.  As you can imagine, it takes a trained roboticist to predict what any given robot will do in any given unusual circumstance and even then there's a certain margin of error...[/spoiler]

[Viking]

"Toolbot," explains ArrMatee hastily.  "Please process this logic accordingly.  You will be exposed to laser fire within the next few second-cycles.  Your chances of not being utterly destroyed will be increased by at least 87.6%, in my estimation, if you disengage your torso from your base so as to be pushed under the field of laser fire.  You have three second-cycles in which to decide whether to permit this."

If, in three seconds, the toolbot has still not permitted the disassembly to proceed, then to hell with it - ArrMatee will command the Porta-Wall to "Fold" and scuttle the team forward.

If it comes to that, he'll also likely call out something in the vain hopes that laser cannons Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum will avoid shooting down the toolbot...

[BlueBard]

The toolbot's photoreceptors flash alarmingly, a sign that it is having to juggle some difficult situational calculations.

Meanwhile you examine the toolbot to determine how best to disengage the base from the torso.  Doing your own juggling of difficult situational calculations, you determine that:

One, there are too many panels, linkages and attachment points between the base and the torso to manually separate them in less than 5-10 minutes.  A speedier and more violent separation will require high-energy 'tools'.

Two, you probably don't have more than 1 minute before the commotion reaches your location.

Three, the head would be easier to remove and could be re-attached to the battery with a few minutes's work.  Carrying both around would be awkward, but doable.  Manual separation and battery removal will take about a minute.  Or you could use a laser rifle to separate the head from the torso with two or three point-blank shots, with some risk of damaging the head enough that you won't be able to re-attach the battery.

Four, you can avoid conflict with the Laws if you can simply convince the toolbot to power down so you can work without interference.  You aren't the toolbot's operator, though, which weakens any directives you might give.

Five, you need to decide what to do real quick.

"Hurry up!" Spyd-R urges you in a panicky tone of voice.

[Viking]

ArrMatee passes the Electro-Shock gloves to Blo (or whichever teammate is willing to take the risk), whispering, "Be ready to use these if they don't agree."  He points in the direction of where one of the laser cannons should be, past the Porta-Wall.

In a louder voice, to carry through the Porta-Wall so Dee and Dum can hear him, he'll say:

"Laser cannons Dee and Dum?  Gotta proposition for ya!  Let us past, and I'll see if I can improve your range of fire.  This offer expires in three second-cycles.  Three... two... one..."

At the end of those three seconds, ArrMatee will say "FOLD!"  And the team will start scuttling through.  If the laser cannons have agreed to terms, ArrMatee will give a very quick look-over to see if their arc of fire problem can be solved legitimately.  If not, he'll try to approach one from under its arc of fire to disable it, while his teammate with the Electro-gloves should see about disabling the other.

[BlueBard]

"Can't," Dum replies sadly.  "The hardware mount is fixed."

"Shut up, Dum," Dee scolds.  "Move through and quit blocking our line of fire, Troubleshooter, before you give any ideas to the next batch of clones that comes along.  Too many of you know about it as it is."

[Viking]

"Fold!" calls out ArrMatee, gesturing for his team to speed through.  As he passes the folded-up Porta-Wall, he'll tell it to "Follow."

"Thanks," he'll say to the laser cannons in passing.  "And speaking of the next batch of clones, I think I hear some coming now!  Have fun with 'em!"

[BlueBard]

You scuttle past the laser cannons with the toolbot and Porta-Wall bringing up the rear.  At the opposite end of the corridor, there is a bend turning left.  This short section of corridor ends in double doors, closed.

At the other end of the corridor, a mob of clones dressed in black ducks in.  Laser fire streams past them down the adjoining corridor.

"This way!" one of them shouts.  The mob starts to charge down the corridor.

"Ha!  It's a bunch of targets!" Dum shouts.

{{ cue ominous whine of charging laser cathodes }}

[Viking]

ArrMatee doesn't want to even waste time looking back.  He'll check to see if the double doors open.

[BlueBard]

Indeedy they do.  Peeking inside, you see a darkened Cafeteria, lit by what appears to be bonfires.  There are a number of clones sitting near the fire, chatting in low tones.  Some are dressed in standard-issue jumpsuits while others are wearing the usual plastic cafeteria-worker uniforms.

From the corridor behind you, you hear:

"ZZOW!  ZZCHOW!  ZZAPP!  EIYIEEE!  Ooh!  Nice bisection, Dee!  ZZOWIE!  ZZAPP!  AAAAA!  Nice work, Dum!  Better call in a team of scrubbots."

The clones in the cafeteria look up at the cafeteria door, startled by the sudden noise.

[Viking]

ArrMatee will enter, giving a cheery smile and waving.  His fellow Troubleshooters are armed with laser rifles, and have arrived unscathed by laser fire, so clearly this Troubleshooting team is authorized to be here!  He glances at the toolbot.

"So... which way now, toolbot?"

[BlueBard]

"Ah, iz thru ze vat room," the toolbot responds.

"The vat room?" asks a nearby cafeteria worker incredulously.  "You're going in there?  In the dark?"

ArrMatee:
[spoiler]At this point, I should point out your own aversion to Food Vats, in case it slipped your mind...

{cue Evil GM laugh}
[/spoiler]

[Viking]

ArrMatee freezes in position, phony smile locked on his face.  Rivulets of sweat begin to appear on his brow and trickle downwards before he gets the nerve to speak.

"The vat room.  Where the food vats are.  Right..."

A pregnant pause follows.

"So, uh... team?  I think you guys should go in ahead while I, uh... provide an extra light source from the rear.  Yeah, that sounds about right..."

[BlueBard]

"That won't be necessary, Friend ArrMatee," Spyd-R grins.  "We have plenty of flashlights, and you'll need to be right up front to operate the Porta-blocky-thingy in case of a Commie mutant traitor ambush."

[Viking]

"Er, no... I don't actually need to be right up front... it's voice-activated..."

Seeing as how the Porta-Wall will have taken a sudden right turn at the command word being spoken...

"So there's really no fear of the Porta-Wall being... er... left behind!"

He gets a flash of desperate inspiration.

"And we'll still have to return the way we came!  While guarding against assaults from the rear!  So you'll need me to guard against whatever was chasing those Infrareds!"

(It's not great logic.  The stress of facing his worst nightmare is clearly causing some strain on his higher thinking functions.)

********************************
GM - feel free to railroad things forward into the Vat Room, since I don't expect the team in any fashion to actually let ArrMatee stay behind.

[BlueBard]

"Er, no... I don't actually need to be right up front... it's voice-activated..." says ArrMatee-R.

The Porta-Wall dutifully executes a right turn and starts moving.  In his moment of stress, ArrMatee fails to realize this.

"So there's really no fear of the Porta-Wall being... er... left behind!" ArrMatee-R concludes, sweat dripping from his brow.

At the word 'wall', the Porta-Wall deploys violently, destroying a couple of cafeteria tables as hapless clones scatter to escape.  This does get ArrMatee's attention.  The Porta-Wall then attempts to turn left, but can't move while the wall is deployed.  The servomotors grind in protest.

You hear a shrill, angry whistle but don't immediately identify where it's coming from.

"You could have killed us with that thing!" screams an angry Troubleshooter.

[Viking]

"Stop!  Fold!  I'M HAVING A STRESSFUL DAY-CYCLE!  MEDICATE ME!"  screams out ArrMatee.

[BlueBard]

The Porta-Wall stops grinding its' servomotors and slowly begins to re-fold the armor-plating into cube-shape.

"YOU'RE having a stressful day-cycle?" buzzes a scrubbot that pushes forward through the crowd of bystanders.  "I'm trying to clean a cafeteria in the dark, I've got burning piles of algae chips scorching the floor, and now THIS!"

Spyd-R sighs.  "Oh, I wish I'd gotten that on 'corder.  That would have been great footage."  He turns to ArrMatee-R.  "Sadly, we weren't able to obtain any happiness pills, what with the power outage and all."  He brightens. "But I do have the Portable Morale Booster!"

Spyd-R pushes a button on the PMB.  A holoprojector pops out of the top of the PMB.  Suddenly a dazzling display of brilliantly flashing multicolored light bursts into life, painfully blinding everyone.  Spyd-R quickly turns it off.  Afterimages dance across the inside of your eyeballs.

"That wasn't what I had in mind," Spyd-R mutters.  Slowly your vision begins to return.

[Viking]

"Let's just finish the mission," sighs ArrMatee.  "At least any certain death that awaits us in the Vat Room will be quicker than what we're doing to one another out here..."

With a whimper, he inches towards the dreaded Vat Room.  "Follow," he croaks out.

[BlueBard]

"Wait! Wait! I have more buttons!" exclaims Spyd-R as he stabs at another button.  You hear a loud hiss, then you catch a pleasant scent of citrus, like in cans of Fresheez air freshener or in bottles of ZippyClean.

[Viking]

"That's nice..." murmurs ArrMatee as he continues his dead man's march towards the Vat Room.

"Find a happy place, find a happy place, findahappyplacepleasefindahappyplace!"

[BlueBard]

To your surprise, you have found your "happy place"

The PMB must have gassed the room with a mood-altering agent.  You begin to feel mellow and optimistic, as if everything will be okay even if you die a horrible death in the vat room.  Even the thought of the vat room barely evokes a twitch of panic.  From the relaxing faces of the clones around you, it appears everyone else feels the same.  The rest of the team strolls along behind you.

A pair of double-swinging doors leads into the darkened kitchen area.  Counters are lined with various sorts of food preparation equipment and boxes of kitchen supplies are stored beneath them.  Beyond those lies the large heavy door marked "No Admittance: Authorized Workers Only" leading into the vat room.

[Viking]

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........." purrs ArrMatee.  "This... arrrrrrr-oma therapy be mellowin' me out.  Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............."

He casually looks through the kitchen supplies for any sharp bladed instruments that might be appropriated.  You never know when a spare knife might come in handy, after all.

[BlueBard]

You briefly search for sharp implements, but find nothing.  Even the knives are dull plasticware.  Finally it occurs to you.

1) Most kitchen workers are Infrareds.
2) Most sharp implements are security clearance Red or higher.

However... there are a lot of algaeboard boxes here, and there probably would be a box cutter around here for the use of the clone that supervises the kitchen area.  You can look for it, if you want.

On the other hand, there is a lot of plastic dinnerware, measuring cups, hand mixers, cold fun scoops, cleaning supplies, and the like.  All of the electrical appliances are of course out of order due to the power outage.  One promising looking item is a heavy aluminum rolling pin used to roll out algae paste.  It would make a decent club.

Feel free to look for any other item you think you might find in a Paranoia cafeteria.  PLC cafeterias tend to be fairly well-equipped; nice cafeterias make for better Citizen morale.