The worst movie you ever saw... Necroposting

[kkhohoho]

Kkhohoho: the Cuyahoga River catches fire every once in awhile. Back in the '6os, anyway. REM did a song.

Well, I knew that. I just didn't know the name. Thanks for clearing that up.

[daglob]

Comet does it again...

Tonight they are showing Dracula vs. Frankenstein, a movie notable for its' mod Frank Zappa lookalike Dracula, mush-faced Frankenstein, a cameo by Forrest J. Ackerman, Angelo Rossitto as a dwarf, and, sadly, what I am told are the last professional performances by  J. Carroll Naish and Lon Chaney Jr. It's not "so bad it's good" bad, just plain "bad" bad. The story is that it is made from an unfinished movie called The Blood Seekers, one of those movies were a mad scientist beneficiary of humanity has to murder young women for the betterment of mankind (HOW many times have they used that as an excuse? I've lost track). Additional scenes with Drac and Frank were shot to fill out the time, and there you go. A little like The Incredible Melting Man, but without the few remaining funny scenes. I've read that some feel that what appeal it has is that the scenes change so fast, the action flows so quickly, and some of the performances are so goofy that you can't help but like it. I don't agree.

Still, when trying to decide what the worst movie I ever saw is, The Curse of the Swamp Creature is the first movie that shambles into mind.

In the middle of writing this, the page reset, erasing my post.

[Panther_Gunn]

In the middle of writing this, the page reset, erasing my post.

Obviously the board agreed that it was so bad that it couldn't bear to admit it exists.

[dudalb]

The Spirit continues to be my standard for bad movies, although I must confess I refused to watch past 10 or 15 minutes of it, so it might get better later.  I really doubt that though.

It was even worse if you are a fan of Will Eisner's brilliant creation. If there was ever a case of somebody not really getting the Source material, it was Frank Miller and The Spirit. 

[BentonGrey]

There's a hot competition for that distinction these days.

[dudalb]

There's a hot competition for that distinction these days.

And the 1995 Demi Moore film of "The Scarlet Letter" is certainly in the competition. It has a happy ending. That should tell you all you need to know about how bad it is.

[dudalb]

And let us not forget "The Room", the film which made Tommy Wiseau the Ed Wood for the New Century. Think Ed Wood with intellectual pretensions.

[BentonGrey]

Ha, wow, The Scarlet Letter with a happy ending.  That's like the 40s version of Moby Dick where Ahab kills the whale and goes home to get hitched (proof that this isn't just a modern phenomenon!).

[dudalb]

In the 1995 movie of The Scarlet Letter, Hester runs off with Arthur Dimmesdale to Carolina at the end, to live happily ever after. I kid you not.
I guess that the novel is a tragedy went over the heads of the writer and producers......

[dudalb]

Kkhohoho: the Cuyahoga River catches fire every once in awhile. Back in the '6os, anyway. REM did a song.

Cleveland's greatest recurring disaster. Except for the Cleveland Browns....

[daglob]

Comet does it again:

They have Mars Needs Women in rotation. And here I discover it's by Larry Buchanan, which explains a lot (never had enough interest to check it out before).

Buchanan was tasked with taking B&W monster movies from the '50s and making color versions for television distribution. I'm not sure what the deal was, whether they thought color made them better, or they thought that they  could pass them off as "new", or if they thought that people would actually avoid B&W movies on color TV stations.

Buchanan made the following (among a few others):


The Eye Creatures (remake of Invasion of the Saucer Men)

Zontar, the Thing From Venus (remake of It Conquered the World, with the dreaded rutabaga monster)

Creature of Destruction (remake of The She-Creature, about a prehistoric reptilian blonde hottie with big bazoongas)

In the Year 2889 (remake of The Day the World Ended)

Curse of the Swamp Creature (which is a kind of remake of a movie called Voodoo Woman)

It's Alive (no relation to the 1974 monster movie of the same name, the plot synopsis reads like a composite of The Valley of Gwangi and Beast from Haunted Cave)

Hell Raiders (possibly original, but that may not help it)

The Lock Ness Horror (much to my surprise, I kinda liked this one)

Mars Needs Women (which bears a certain resemblance to Teenagers from Outer Space and an assortment of other movies which escaped into distribution)

I may be unfair to Buchanan; perhaps he didn't want to make the remakes listed above, and it is pretty certain that he had little or no budget to make them with.

[Deaths Jester]

Mars Needs Women was originally made in 1967 by AIP.

The Eye Creatures comes from 1965 and was a made-for-tele movie, also known as Attack of the The Eye Creatures.

Zontar was another tele movie done in 1966.'

In the Year 2889 was 1967, and a tele movie...see a theme here from Buchanan....

It's Alive made it to film in '69. The creature was reused in Buchanan's Creature of Destruction flop.

He did Hell Raiders for AIP in '68 a rip off of a bunch of WW 2 movies done around that time.

The Lock Ness Horror was an '81 idie film that Larry wrote with Lyn Schubert.  It was filmed in Lake Tahoe, Calif and the Nessie puppet (just a head on a stick) was later used as Jack the Ripper in one of the "**** or Not?" segments in "Amazon Women on the Moon".




There are a few other Buchanan films you're missing there, DG, but I'll let you go looking for them....it's more fun when you stumble on them yourself.

[kaflinkle_rises]

There are too many obvious ones, Jaws 4, Robocop 3 (one was fantastic, 2 so-so, but 3 made me want to punch myself in the face), Battlefield Earth, etc, but one of the biggest disappointments for me was the second Sin City film. It didn't have any of the style or soul of the original.

On the flip side of this, one of my favourite films is The Man from Earth made in 2007. I love that film but most people I know are bored to tears watching it.

[Silver Shocker]

Yeah,Awakening of the Trailblazer was kinda pointless.What most fans hold against it however,were aliens.Never before,or after,have there been aliens present in the whole franchise.Except that space whale fossil in SEED,but thats a different story.

First off, I have to say, I am SO happy that I am not the only person on this board who actually watches anime, much less Gundam. You sir have made my day.

I watch the anime, including Gundam. I just recently watched the first season of Iron Blooded Orphans. As for the Gundam 00 film, I only saw it once years ago and my memory of it is pretty poor. I don't really remember what I thought of it but I don't think I hated it. I'd have to watch it again to tel you what I think of it now.

[GhostMachine]

The worst film I ever saw in a theater was Krull, with Masters Of The Universe a close second. The worst I've seen on cable, dvd or Blu-Ray (not counting Mystery Science Theater 3000 or intentionally bad cult films) would have to be Neon Demon. As I can't say how I really feel about it here, since its a family friendly board, I'll simply say its time wasted that I'll never get back. If Keanu Reeves being in it is an attraction for you, let me save you the trouble by telling you that he's in it less than 5 minutes total, in two different scenes, and only has one or two lines (maybe three, at most). Its one of those movies where everyone involved either needed money or owed favors, and the writer and director were either heavily on drugs or needed to be. Absolute garbage.

(Edited my post because I previously had Jupiter Ascending listed instead. But Neon Demon makes it look like a 5-star Academy Award winner by comparison.)

There are too many obvious ones, Jaws 4, Robocop 3 (one was fantastic, 2 so-so, but 3 made me want to punch myself in the face), Battlefield Earth, etc, but one of the biggest disappointments for me was the second Sin City film. It didn't have any of the style or soul of the original.

On the flip side of this, one of my favourite films is The Man from Earth made in 2007. I love that film but most people I know are bored to tears watching it.

My biggest problem with the second Sin City was them trying to make Josh Brolin look more like Clive Owen through the use of makeup and prosthetics, since Clive Owen was unable to appear for the post-plastic surgery part of the film. Would have been better off not showing Dwight's face at all (or used stock footage for a quick glimpse and shown him in shadow).

[kkhohoho]

Yeah,Awakening of the Trailblazer was kinda pointless.What most fans hold against it however,were aliens.Never before,or after,have there been aliens present in the whole franchise.Except that space whale fossil in SEED,but thats a different story.

First off, I have to say, I am SO happy that I am not the only person on this board who actually watches anime, much less Gundam. You sir have made my day.

I'd have to watch it again--

DON'T. DO. IT. Trust me, you'll thank me later.

[Shogunn2517]

For whatever reason this thread popped up on my browser so I thought I might reiterate my hate for that garbage waste of film reel that was troll 2.  I'm not sure how clear I was before but I really really really hate that movie.  Like furiously hate it.  Like if I ever come across anyone who had anything to do with the making of that movie I will probably  do harm to them.  Why did they even do it? What were they thinking about?  What were they trying to prove?  The acting was pathetic. The script made me lose IQ points.  The costuming.... hold on-.... sorry I had to go to the bathroom and throw up.  I really hate this movie.  It nearly ruined my entire childhood.

Speaking of nearly ruining my childhood... another movie I can barely stand to watch: G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra.  How the frell up something so bad that should be so easy is only something Hollywood can do.  Bionic power suits, crummy CGI.  Random uses of useless Joe's and what the entire $%#@ was going on with Cobra Commander?  I hate that movie (not nearly as much as troll 2 but hate it nonetheless). It nearly ruined my childhood.  But oddly enough like with the troll movies, as much hate this movie, I love the other one.  Go figure.

[HarryTrotter]

Which kinda reminds me,Nostalgia Critic did a review of GI Joe the Movie recently.That one wasn't all that great either.
I can't remember anything I really,really hate,but Judge Dredd (95),for doing soon much damage to the public perception of JD and killing any chance for an adaptation for years to come.I do hate that movie.

[crimsonquill]

Speaking of nearly ruining my childhood... another movie I can barely stand to watch: G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra.  How the frell up something so bad that should be so easy is only something Hollywood can do.  Bionic power suits, crummy CGI.  Random uses of useless Joe's and what the entire $%#@ was going on with Cobra Commander?  I hate that movie (not nearly as much as troll 2 but hate it nonetheless). It nearly ruined my childhood.  But oddly enough like with the troll movies, as much hate this movie, I love the other one.  Go figure.

How can Hollywood manage to pull off MEGAFORCE (which just seems to be born from the same inspirational cloth) using a budget that was far lower then what Mad Max: The Road Warrior had to work with PLUS understood it was an '80s action film so they embraced the cheesiness right out of the gate.. and then when Paramount gets the chance to make G.I. Joe a huge blockbuster action film they just go wayyyyy over the top with 3D gimmicks for bargain CGI while throwing out most of what made COBRA work so they were left with a weak origin story and missed the bullseye completely. *shakes my head*

Oh, just in case everyone is going.. What is MEGAFORCE? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9yPSkQTLlA

- CQ

[Shogunn2517]

Oh, just in case everyone is going.. What is MEGAFORCE? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9yPSkQTLlA

- CQ

I don't know what the hell is going on in the most wonderful way!

-Shogunn2517 as he watches that Megaforce trailer.

[crimsonquill]

-Shogunn2517 as he watches that Megaforce trailer.

Just wait until you watch the music video in all it's 80s hair metal glory.

https://youtu.be/z4RNPlgktpI

As far as the plotline, I'll fit it into a nutshell:

Spoiler

The U.S. Government has created an elite team of soldiers assembled from every military force to combat terrorism across the world. They hide this elite unit in a top secret bunker deep underground where they receive plane and truck loads of awesome hardware in all kinds of colors and sizes to test out and use on their missions. If there isn't a war machine fitting to a mission then they will take what they have and build something that fits the job. They have a Kung Fu expert, A cowboy with a Hologram projector built into his truck, a tech guy who guides the team in his ATV with a radar on top, and a leader that just oozes '80s charisma and even knows the film's villain because they went to war school together before he became power hungry. Doesn't everything I just mentioned sound like it's ripped from cartoon scripts of Transformers, G.I. Joe, and M.A,S,K.? Yup, It's everything that a live action G.I. JOE movie should have been and Hasbro was just focusing on their cartoon series at the time. I swear some writer and director were sitting on their couch watching their kids shows in 1981 and took notes and said "I'm going to make a hell of a movie with this!"

Now the worst part is this film was showed to death on cable/satellite movie stations for years and even had a short lived lifetime on DVD before the rights lapsed (Trying to find a copy on eBay or Amazon oversea imports is like finding a needle in a haystack and way more expensive then it should be). It's a cult classic action film and I swear that Paramount buried the rights for future releases once they got a hold of the G.I. JOE franchise (EDIT: Son of a#$#@! It was Paramount that released it on DVD in Japan before the rights went into limbo.. geez. I hate when I'm right!). It's never been remastered or even released on BluRay and every copy that I've seen around is bootlegs from the Japanese release or copies of the ultra rare U.S. DVDs.

Course the cult status of MEGAFORCE is up for debate for embracing it's 80s cheese since it was tackled by the Rifftrax (yes, the guys from MST3K after their show went on hiatus) team and we lucky fans found this sample on Youtube.  https://youtu.be/12PlGeUInrE. Enjoy!

- CQ

[BentonGrey]

My life is deeply, deeply impoverished by my not having known about this movie!  My goodness, I'm going to have to track this sucker down!  This is gloriously 80s! 

Also, yes, that is basically G.I. JOE with the names changed.  As incredibly cheesy and ridiculous as it was, I'd still take this over pretty much all of the 80s revival movies of today. 

And I'll add my frustration and confusion about how Hollywood could botch G.I. JOE.  With the incredible comics by Hama, the script practically writes itself.

[Deaths Jester]

Hey...I think I've seen Megaforce before. Didn't know that was it's name at the time though, just knew what I was watching was a cult flick. (I'm a big cult and trash pic watcher and will try to at least watch most at least once. Course that also means I've seen some real pieces of crap too...)

[Shogunn2517]

And I'll add my frustration and confusion about how Hollywood could botch G.I. JOE.  With the incredible comics by Hama, the script practically writes itself.

A-tothehellzeffinyeah-MEN!!!!!

Larry Hama canonized himself with that run!  That series was WAY before it's time!  The show, which is mana from my childhood is what it is, but when I got to those comics, it completely blew the cartoon out the water!

[HarryTrotter]

Okay,okay,In the blood.How bad a movie must be when you feel Danny Treyo is above the material?

[BentonGrey]

A-tothehellzeffinyeah-MEN!!!!!

Larry Hama canonized himself with that run!  That series was WAY before it's time!  The show, which is mana from my childhood is what it is, but when I got to those comics, it completely blew the cartoon out the water!

Entirely true, Shogunn, entirely true.  Those comics are amazing, and with the whole, Hama created something really special.  I LOVED the cartoon as a kid, and I still have a soft spot for it today, but the comics are an order of magnitude greater.

[daglob]

Resurrecting this thread...

Tonight on Comet they have a double blasphemy: a Larry Buchanan double feature: "It's Alive" and :"Creature of Destruction", both with the same cheapo monster.

Oh, no... "Creature" has a song about... Batman?

[kkhohoho]

Speaking of 'worst movies', I'm probably going to watch The Room this weekend. For the first time.

Pray for me.

[daglob]

What did you do? That sounds like cruel and unusual punishment; I'd file an appeal.

And I realized during one of the commercials for other movies, that, while the whole monster was re-used in "It Lives" (or the other way around), the eyes and eyebrows were re used in "Curse of the Swamp Creature". Ol' Larry either liked ping pong eyeballs or his budget was that bad. I know the movie was.

[GhostMachine]

You know, I've been hoping for a while that my cable company would pick up Comet, but after seeing a lot of the movies listed that they've aired mention here....I'm not so sure, anymore. 

(Also wish they'd pick up Chiller. I watched it some when we visited Heidi's parents in New Hampshire last year.)